a musing ames

2011 ended as it began, attending GYC. And GYC is why some of these posts, though written ahead of time, were not shared until after the New Year. Finally, we’ve reached the end.

Honestly, I haven’t been that aware of the passing of the New Year over the last several years as a result of my involvement with GYC. I’m too tired to stay awake for midnight, so I’m often fast asleep in my room when the clock strikes twelve. For the turning of 2011 to 2012, I was in bed, lights off, but there was a party outside my hotel that all of Houston attended. I heard them count down from 10, sing “Auld Lang Syne,” and then fell asleep.

Though I miss spending the New Year with my family (they have a lot of New Year’s traditions), I think it’s fitting that in recent history the year has begun and ended at GYC. While I still tend to think of the calendar in terms of August to July, the passing of the year at a place where I gain spiritual nourishment brings opportunity to reflect on the last year and view the new year in the proper perspective.

This has been quite the year. I have learned much, grown, and am thankful for the experiences I’ve been through. Yet a conversation from January with my good friend Josephine comes to mine. She decided that for 2011 she wanted something different, and so she made specific goals for what she hoped to accomplish in the year of 2011.

I remember thinking that was a good idea, but looking at what was on my plate (finishing school and studying for and taking the bar), I thought life had already given me enough specific goals.

But it only got me through July! I wouldn’t say my life has been completely aimless since August, but it has definitely lacked a certain structure that I crave. I grew up in a household where my time was very disciplined from the day I was born. Being in school until May 2011 from the age of three, with only one year break during that whole time, added to my love of structure and clear expectations. So as a result, I want to not wait for the “goals” life throws at me to determine how 2012 will be. I want to have specific intentions.

Intentions. Not resolutions. I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions. I think they’re kind of silly, and people tend to abandon them, something I noted and encouraged to overcome at the beginning of this year.

2012, I’m intending to do twelve things. I intend to

1. Run.

In 2010, I worked up to being able to run a 5K. I had to miss the first 5K I signed up for after I completed the training because of a foot injury, but was able to run the Turkey Trot during Thanksgiving later that year. I had desired to increase my distance in 2011, but I let the rest of life get in the way, and I’m still hovering at just over the 5K distance as my maximum mileage during a run. I don’t want to that be the case this year. So I’m setting two specific goals in regards to this: Run a 10K in the Spring and a half-marathon in the Fall.

2. Enter New Territory.

This year I visited a whopping 24/50 of the United States. I’d been to most of them, but I was able to check off a few new ones. In 2012 I want to knock off a few more. The problem with many of the states that are left is that they are, well, randomly located throughout the country. I already visited one this year (OK Oklahoma!), but I want to stretch myself. I’ll place a goal of visiting at least two new states I’ve never been to this year (and maybe a Canadian province or two…and while I’m at it maybe a new country or two too).

3. Write.

Without the aforementioned structure of an academic life, my writing has become more sporadic. With my passion for it rekindled, I want to act on it. So I intend to blog, to journal, and to enter discourse on topics that are important to me.

4. Read.

I already have been reading more. But I want to keep it up. Next year I want to read multiple biographies and memoirs, books relevant to my work as an attorney, and Spirit of Prophecy books I have never read before. I was told that geniuses read two books a week. I think I’d like to aim for two substantial books a month.

5. Manage Time.

Like I said, I’ve grown up with lots of structure. Learning to manage my time was something I learned to do from childhood on. As I noted earlier, though, it was always within the context of something else imposing structure on my life. I want to learn how to manage and structure my time in the absence of such structure, so no matter my circumstances, I’m the master of my time.

6. Cook Congrí.

I tried to make congrí in 2011, and while it wasn’t the worst result I’ve ever had cooking, it was probably in the top three. I want to spend some time with my Lita to learn how to make authentic congrí.

7. Make Music.

My skills at the piano have diminished over the years. I want to redevelop them. And I want to become better at two things I’ve always struggled with: playing hymns and singing while I’m playing.

8. Love Networking.

This is something that I have already taken a crack at in 2011. But I need to do more and get better at it. And I need to learn to love it.

9. Advocate for Women.

The plight of women being mistreated because of their gender, the needs of women even in developed nations, has really been striking a chord with me. I want to use my skills in advocacy to help other women, and to minister to them.

10. Service.

This is related to #9 I suppose. And I’m not a stranger to service: I’ve gone on mission trips, donated money to relief organizations in the wake of natural disasters, and participated in other forms of community service. But I don’t think it’s regular enough, my hands aren’t getting dirty enough, and my heart isn’t aching enough for the needs of this world. I want to do more to serve.

11. ¡Español!

Spending more time with my Spanish-speaking relatives has made me realize how much my Spanish has suffered over the last few years. Time to get those skills back up to date!

12. Develop New Intentions.

Why should we wait for January to make and follow through with new intentions? This isn’t just a bluff to cover the fact that I couldn’t come up with twelve (though, if I’m honest, it kind of is…). I really do want to be able to identify new intentions throughout the year and learn to incorporate them into my life as they present themselves. Always growing, that’s what I want to be doing.

Thanks for reading. Happy New Year, and many blessings as you seek to achieve your 2012 New Year’s intentions too.

When I moved to Virginia three and a half years ago, I was shocked to see how nicely people dressed, all the time. Growing up in Michigan, it seemed as soon as the temperature dropped below 40 degrees, the automatic garb was jeans and a hoodie–and that was relatively dressed up. Sweatpants were the norm.

Taking it as an indication that maybe it was time to grow up and retire my hoodie collection, I embraced a new philosophy of dressing while I was in Virginia. During the warm months, sundresses every day. Once it cooled down, jeans were acceptable, but no sweatshirts or t-shirts. Rather a nice sweater or blouse and blazer were in order. Because of the (generally) milder winters, I even stopped wearing ski jackets and no longer owned snow boots or  waterproof gloves.

Every once in a while, though, I would wistfully remember my Michigan days and wish I could bum around Charlottesville in a hoodie. In the comfort of my own home I would keep it casual, reminding myself of my comfortable clothes days.

I’ve now been back in Michigan for half a year, and I have rediscovered sweatpants. No, I wouldn’t wear them if I were grocery shopping or going out to eat with my family. Virginia’s influence on me was at least that long-lasting. But with friends coming over to watch a college football game, or me heading to their houses to eat, I would have no qualms changing out of regular clothes into my sweatpants and hoodies, and driving over for a night of fellowship. Besides, most of these friends were guys who were also often in übercasual clothing. I just wanted to fit in…:)

Recently, though, one of these friends and I were talking about how women can sometimes feel insecure about their appearance. A quick solution, he said, while she works on the inside, is to change her clothes. To dress up, dress nice. It gives the look of outward confidence. I soon realized he wasn’t speaking in generalities, but was directing this as advice towards me.

We were flying that day, he in dress pants, a dress shirt, and a sweater. Me in dark jeans, a casual sleeveless blouse, a cardigan covering, and sneakers. Not really dressed up at all, but considering I had almost worn sweatpants and a hoodie (I know), I didn’t think I was dressed that bad.

I had two immediate reactions. The first was actually thankfulness. I was thankful that this friend felt comfortable enough to talk about these things with me, and I knew his intentions were out of a genuine desire to help a friend. The second was confusion. But I don’t dress down that much, do I? I’m in dress pants, dresses, or suits all the time. True, he was among the friends who would frequently see me in sweats, but come on, we were never in public.

Last night was a reunion of sorts. After being parted for the holidays and GYC, many of the crew I hang out with were back in town. And they were hungry. I offered, if they bought the ingredients, to cook them dinner. As I was about to leave for their house, I considered changing out of my jeans, t-shirt, and blazer into sweats and a hoodie. Knowing my friend who had counseled me to dress up more would be there, I decided against it.

I got to house, and as I was cooking we’re all talking. I mentioned how I had considered changing into sweats, but decided not to. Our host, who was standing in the kitchen in sweats and a hoodie said, “These pants are Amy inspired. I bought them because of you!”

“What?”

“You always look so comfortable when we are hanging out, I decided I wanted to be comfortable too, so I decided to buy these when I saw them in the store.”

I looked at the other friend who had suggested I dress up more in shock. Maybe I had slipped back into the sweatpants couture to an extreme, and was defining myself as sweatpants girl. Not good.

I do love being comfortable. But sweats and hoodies aren’t the only comfortable clothes in the world. I guess this means I’ll be trying to dress more like I did in Virginia. Thanks for the advice bro.

Five things I am thankful for in 2011:

5. Passions

I received a Kindle for graduation from my aunt and uncle. Though now I am faced with the conundrum, the Reader’s Dilemma, of whether to go with e-book or hardcopy, I am so thankful for that gift. On a primary level, I’m thankful because I am reading so much more now. I have always loved reading, but having to read for class in high school, college, and law school took away from how much I could read on my own time. But now I am reading all the time. And this passion for reading has kindled (forgive the pun) other passions: I read about issues effecting women, religious liberty, or politics, and I’m stirred to do something. And all the reading has also reignited another passion I let fall to the wayside all too often, writing. I have journald (a little) more, and I want to write more on here.

Each of these things, reading, writing, causes, give purpose and meaning to my life, and for that I am thankful.

4. Time

I have had a lot more time on my hands than I had anticipated, but I appreciate it. I have had time to connect with my two closest cousins that I haven’t had in years. I have had time with the rest of my family that I have missed. I have had time to develop new skills, old friendships, and consider alternative pursuits. Though I think I can learn to use my time better, I am thankful for the extra time that’s been on my hands this year. It has almost felt like a sabbatical year, and the rest has been good.

3. Potholes

I know, I’m beating a dead horse. This was a hard year. I won’t talk about them anymore, after this. But I really am thankful for them. They have helped me grow up. They have made me stronger, and they have made my faith stronger and my resolve to follow the Lord. The lyrics of André Crouch’s song “Through It All” really came to life for me:
“If I never had any problems/I guess wouldn’t know God could solve them/wouldn’t know what faith in God’s word could do.”

2. Friends and Family

This past year I’ve been overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I do. It’s a sad reality that in this world there are people who do not have anyone they can call family. I realize that I am extremely fortunate that I have not only my biological family that I am close to, but I have friends who are like family to me as well. Both “families” were there for everything this year, highs, lows, and in-betweens. They’ve done more for me than I can ever repay, sometimes financially, sometimes in social and emotional support. I’m so thankful for them.

1. God’s Love

More than any other year, I feel as if the love of God is something I have come to know personally this year, and it is so affirming and reassuring. It was as if this past Sabbath, the Lord was reminding me of this in the sermon. I know I’m beloved by my parents, that’s why they named me Amy (they say it means beloved). But like Daniel, I can know that I’m not only beloved by my parents, I’m greatly beloved by God.

When I visited Cuba three and a half years ago, I observed up close, for the first time, what a closed society looks like. Where there is no freedom of press, where all the news and billboards were nothing but propaganda. Though the United States does not always live up to her ideals, it was discouraging to see that the people of Cuba couldn’t see what’s “really” going on.

What particularly struck me was how the government portrayed the American government, and particularly the American embargo. I’d venture a guess that, apart from Cuban-Americans, most Americans don’t give the Cuban embargo much thought. But the Castro brothers want Cubans to know about the embargo, and want them to believe that the reason their conditions are so deplorable is because the Americans are the ones who are holding out on them.

"One day of the embargo equals 139 city buses."

There were billboards all over the country equating each day of the embargo with the amount of pencils for school children or city buses that could be purchased if the embargo were lifted. The ad campaign was compelling, well done in fact. But it made me so angry. You’re not telling them the whole story! I thought. It’s the leadership’s fault that the people are suffering.

But it also made me sick over my own country’s handling of the situation. I had strongly disagreed with the embargo against Cuba for a long time, and visiting Cuba on a mission trip (yes, I went legally) only strengthened my resolve. Doesn’t America get it? By enforcing the embargo, they are allowing the Cuban government to make such claims. If the embargo were lifted, who would the state blame the suffering of their people on? The embargo amplifies the problem, it doesn’t solve it.

This may seem a random, out of the blue post. But it’s not. As part of a desire to become more involved in service (I’ll explain a little more in my intentions for 2012 post), I started reading Welfare Ministry. Last night, I came across this passage:

When men who have been abundantly blessed of Heaven with large wealth fail to carry out God’s design, and do not relieve the poor and the oppressed, the Lord is displeased and will surely visit them. They have no excuse for withholding from their neighbors the help that God has put it into their power to provide; and God is dishonored, His character is misinterpreted by Satan, and He is represented as a stern judge who causes suffering to come upon the creatures He has made. This misrepresentation of God’s character is made to appear as truth, and thus through the temptation of the enemy men’s hearts are hardened against God. Satan charges upon God the very evil he himself has caused men to commit by withholding their means from the suffering. He attributes to God his own characteristics. p. 16

I was going to bold the parts that I thought important–until I realized I was basically bolding the entire quote.

Just as the Castro brothers and their regime can misrepresent the character of America and our government because of the embargo (withholding of our vast resources), we as individuals, when we claim to be Christians but then withhold from the needy, allow Satan to misrepresent the character of God. The Cuban government’s goal is to keep the Cuban people from softening their hearts toward America, and the same is true of Satan and the people on this earth. The very attributes the Cuban government has (depriving its people), it attributes to the United States. The very attributes Satan has, He attributes to God.

No wonder there is so much confusion in Cuba–and the world.

As I’ve seen dictators tumble across the globe over the last year, my heart has ached that I would see revolution in Cuba as well. The people need to have a true understanding of what freedom is. Will ending the embargo help this? Yes, I think so.

More importantly, though, God’s character has been misrepresented by an evil dictator. This dictator knows his time is limited. It’s time for us to stop playing into his lies by ignoring the needs of the world around us. We must become active in loving service to the world in need so that it can see a more accurate reflection of the character of God, so they too can have a true understanding of freedom. Let’s work to lift the embargo of suffering from this earth.

Be careful what you wish for. It’s an old adage often stated because you might get just that thing you wished for. I would offer as a warning an axiom of that statement: be careful what you pray for, you may get it.

Some occurrences near the end of 2010 made me worry that I lacked strong, nobel character, and I earnestly desired that the Lord develop that in me. Early in 2011 I came across a quote that spoke directly to that desire, and I shared it here.

Indeed, I did pray to learn patience, love, and submission to God’s will. Something tugged at the back of my mind that the whole purest joy springing from the deepest humility thing may not be so pleasant, but I dismissed it. And honestly, I forgot about this quote and about my prayers to this effect in the weeks leading up to my finding it.

Then the rest of the year hit: the tragedies, the triumphs, the travels. At some points, especially during the personal tragedies (both those mentioned, and some that were not), all I wanted to do was runaway, find a place where life wasn’t so complicated. During this time, my friend Jen shared with me a powerful quote that helped me gain some needed perspective:

“God has shown me that He gave His people a bitter cup to drink, to purify and cleanse them. It is a bitter draught, and they can make it still more bitter by murmuring, complaining, and repining. But those who receive it thus must have another draught, for the first does not have its designed effect upon the heart. And if the second does not effect the work, then they must have another, and another, until it does have its designed effect, or they will be left filthy, impure in heart. I saw that this bitter cup can be sweetened by patience, endurance, and prayer, and that it will have its designed effect upon the hearts of those who thus receive it, and God will be honored and glorified. It is no small thing to be a Christian and to be owned and approved of God.” Early Writings, p. 71.

(Remember how I referenced drinking cups a couple of months back? Yeah, this is what I was talking about.)

I realized that, just like in my academic work, to get to the next level, I had to master this one. If I wanted to take my character to the next level, I was going to have to learn how to drink the cup now. This definitely helped when the other tragedies came. They were still bitter, but I started to learn how to swallow them nonetheless.

One of the ways that I learned to do this was a “prescription” I gave myself after struggling with the blues for a few days in April. I determined that life couldn’t be as bad as I’d been trying to convince myself that it was, and so I mandated to myself that I must write five things I am thankful for every day in my journal before going to sleep. Let me tell you, that first day or two, it was really hard. But after a week of learning how to rejoice and be thankful, the Lord truly buoyed my spirit up.

As I started preparing for this project, I decided to go back and read what I had written this year to figure out what holes, if any, needed to be filled in. When I read that post from last January on the quote about noble characters, the thought occurred to me, “see, this year hasn’t been for naught. God’s just been answering prayer.” And even though I don’t have answers for all my questions, it all made sense, and I have peace.

So yes, be careful to what you pray for, because God listens. Not only does He listen, He answers. And, even with the hard times, I’m thankful He did. He has shown me that I have so much to be thankful for, and has done so much to help build those weak areas of my character. I see I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged. He has brought me this far, He will keep carrying me on. And He can (and will) do the same for you.