As an adult, I have too have realized that people pleasing is my weakness. I also realized, though, that it has served as a strength at times, in showing hospitality or empathy towards others. I think I started valuing the positive side of the people-pleasing coin to the point that I forgot what types of compromises I can make in the name of the comfort of others.

Until this last week. After seeking some counsel in a situation I thought I may have dealt with poorly, a friend pointed out that I was “sensitive” and “cared a lot about what other people thought,” implying that I probably cared too much (a fair, and probably accurate assessment). People pleaser, rang in my ears.

At another point, I contemplated a decision I had to make for next year and realized that my motive wasn’t faithfulness to God (because faithfulness in this instances would not require me to take the particular action I was contemplating), but rather worrying about what a person at my local church may think. When that realization struck me, again I heard people pleaser ringing in my ears. I stopped and prayed for forgiveness. When I stop and examine my motives for many of the things that I do, I cringe at realizing how many of them are motivated at least in part by a desire to preserve my image and keep those around me happy.

For the last half of this semester, I’ve been reading through John in my devotions. One morning last week, I came to John 12:42-43:

Nevertheless, many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it, so that they would not be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.

I began to tear up. There, in the Word of God, I saw myself. One who believes in Jesus, but often doesn’t behave (or misbehave) in the way that I should because I love the glory that comes from man more than that comes from God. The conviction came to a sharper point as I contemplated my current circumstances: as it is finals time (why I only blog during finals, I don’t know), I have began to worry about what my professors will think about my performance in their class more than I worry about God’s perception of my work.

This realization of course reminds of David Asscherick’s message from GYC 2006 in Balitmore, “Because of Those Who Sat.” But I guess what’s striking me more now, is not that I’m always failing to do what’s right because people are watching, but that I find myself doing what’s right because people are watching rather than the fact that God is watching.

I come before the throne of grace as a penitent people pleaser. My only prayer is that I may be able to speak as Jesus did when His family, disappointed in Him for not sticking close by, finally found Him after His first visit to Jerusalem. He talked about His Father. “And He said to them, ‘Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?’” Luke 2:49. He was acting out of fidelity to His Father, and cared only about what He thought.

Maybe my Mami was on to something after all…

But I didn’t think this spiritual, and even social, pursuit would bleed into my intellectual sphere. This semester, it did. For my masters degree (and my law degree, I guess), I took two different constitutional history classes, one on the history of the constitution during the 20th century, and the other specifically on the first forty years of the 20th century. And in both classes, the cases and readings that were most interesting to me were those that had to do with women. (Granted, we didn’t do very much reading on religion and the constitution. I suppose that will have to wait for another semester or independent study.)

Illustrative story: To kill some time before one of these classes, I started doing reading for the other one for the next day. As I read an account of women’s struggle to gain the right to vote in the early part of the past century, when I reached the part where the last state needed finally approved the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution, I teared up. I quickly cleared my eyes before the rest of my classmates entered the room, seeing as I was only one of two women in the whole class and such displays of emotion are not looked upon well in the legal academy.

Now, all though my exams are over, I still have a paper to write. And I’m writing it on the way that the law regulated women between 1924 and 1937. I won’t get into the details (no one wants to read about them on a blog, trust me). But as I am pouring through the secondary sources, searching for evidence to support my thesis, I’m finding myself utterly confused.

As I read about these laws that were “protective” in nature, some women academics are complaining that these laws were sneaky ways for men to keep women down. Other women authors acknowledge that they ended up having a discriminatory effect, but that it was accidental. The latter tends to be the view I side with. But what gets me is that the former gets so bent out of shape about these laws forgetting one thing: it was women who lobbied for them to be passed! Men (business owners and the like) were actually opposed to the protective legislation because it was too expensive to implement.

Dealing with how the law treats women in different circumstances is still a controversial question in society and constitutional law. There are many who are in support of a doctrine that would say that men and women must be treated equally. Some don’t want formal equality because they think that women will lose their privileged status in society.

Where I stand, I’m still not quite sure. But it brings me back to that day God revealed to me something I’d never seen before in Genesis 1:27. Yes, men and women were created equal, created in the image of God. But, we were created different. The differences are important. How secular law should reflect this fundamental reality, I still don’t know. But I have a feeling that figuring that out might be one reason that I’m in law school.

Now, I had heard of horn books before. My first semester, the lady at the law bookstore encouraged me to buy one for my criminal law class. When she said I wouldn’t have any assignments out of it, I wondered, “why would I buy a book I don’t have to read?” and kindly declined the offer.

As that first semester wore on, I heard more about horn books. They were good for finding black letter law. In fact, in judicial opinions, if the judge thinks the law is clear, she will often write, “it is horn book law that…” But they seemed to have a bad reputation with my professors. They may help you understand the basics, but not the analysis of the case. If we were studying the way we were supposed to, most of our professors said, we would have no need for horn books. So I smuggly patted myself on the back for not buying the crim horn book.

At the end of that semester, turns out I did alright (the lowest grade being the crim class), but, I dismissed horn books as something I would never use in my law school experience because they were a needless crutch.

Fast-forward to today. I have a Civil Rights Litigation Exam an hour the time I am writing this post. I’ve gone to all of the classes, and have found the material interesting. But I knew there were somethings from early in the semester that I didn’t have a firm grasp on. In addition to the fact that 50% of my class is on Law Review, I was worried my lack of familiarity with the subject matter would have a negative impact on my grade. Remember, law school exams are often 100% of your final grade, and graded on a mandatory curve.

The last day, I noticed that there were a number of people in the class with a horn book. I went to the bookstore to check it out for myself, but when I saw that it was over $60 and I really only needed a couple of chapters from it, I again thought it would be a useless crutch. But after four days of study from my book and notes, I knew that I needed something to fill in the gaps. I went to the library, got the horn book out of the reserve room and made the necessary copies.

As I went through the materials, I wondered, why haven’t I ever used one of these before? Everything is spelled out clearly, no obscurity that law textbooks love to include. And it says what happened in each case, the holding, what’s good about it, what’s wrong with it. My whole class was in this book. It was so much better than my textbook for learning the material. I spoke with some friends about it, and they said they had had similar epiphanies about the use of horn books, and thought the professors should just use them instead of textbooks.

As I was contemplating this last night, I thought about how legal studies parallel studying the Bible. Both are exercises in hermeneutics. And the thought comparison gave me pause about the horn book. I would never, never, never tell someone to read a book about the Bible over reading the Bible itself. Yes, they might be helpful to orient yourself with a particular passage or topic of Scripture, but ultimately, you can’t throughout the Bible and just read books about it. You have to keep reading the original source.

As much as we may complain about reading cases, they are the original source–why should I be happy reading a book about the source rather than the source itself? As an historian, this makes sense, you have to read the original. But then again, there is not a divine spirit of legal illumination whispering in my ear the proper case law interpretation that judge will hold me to when I argue a case in court.

So it’s not a perfect parallel. But it has reaffirmed my understanding of the need to feast on the Bible first and foremost, returning to it as the ultimate source. As for horn books, I may still never buy one.  will after all be held accountable for what was in the casebook, not the horn book. But they are quite helpful, and now I know where they are in the library…

Either way, ready or not, I need to get going, and take this exam!

I lose things. All the time. My phone, my wallet, my keys, watches, hair clasps, purses. But I usually find what I’ve lost. It may take a couple minutes (I’ve been late to class because of lost keys more often than I’d like to admit), days, or even weeks, but stuff usually shows up.

So, no doubt that the parables of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the prodigal son are among my favorites in the Bible. Studying them out, and reading EGW’s commentary in Christ’s Object Lessons in conjunction with the Bible have greatly impacted my understanding of God’s love for us as well as for our responsibility to others in the church and to God as our Father.

But the normal applications are not on my mind right now. It’s something regarding my most recent lost item.

For Thanksgiving I drove up to Princeton to visit Jo, my roommate from CAMPUS. We did our best to try and get some work done, but also spent time relaxing (which was much needed). After a weekend full of eating, shopping, eating, Jane Austen, eating, and a little work, it was time to go. As I got in my car on Sunday morning, I reached in my purse to pull out my iPod to plug into the car to listen to music on the long journey back down to Virginia. To my shock, it was not there. Jo and I looked through my whole car, my bags, her apartment, and it was no where to be found.

“How sad!” she exclaimed. But I kind of shrugged it off. “Yeah, that stinks, but oh well, what can I do?” I asked myself. But as I sat in traffic that day, limited to the radio or the few CDs in my car, I started getting bored and kept thinking, “I’ll listen to a new podcast” only to remember no iPod. But again, I’d dismiss it and say it was alright, it’s just an electronic gadget after all.

But by the middle of the week, I couldn’t deny it. I missed my iPod! No music to listen to on my walk to school. No calendar reminder. No easy way to check email without lugging around my computer. Why was I bothering with keeping a stiff upper lip? It was something I had invested in, and I valued, I used, but then I’d lost.

What I realized was this: how stupid is it to pretend like losing something that means something to you means nothing to you at all?

Jesus gave us the “lost” parables to learn about how much He values us and how He pursues us. But this experience made me realize something. Even though we were created in His image, God didn’t have to show that He valued us so much. He could have just let us keep on being lost forever. Acted like He didn’t care. But that’s not what He did. He wasn’t afraid to show the His how invested He was in us.

Not that I’m saying I need to be that invested in my iPod. But if anything, I’ve learned, let’s be real about what we value. If the value is wrongly placed, then that’s another issue to address. Not being honest about a bad value, though, won’t fix the problem, it’ll probably make it worse.

Oh, and the end of the story. Jo called me right before the end of the Sabbath. One of the elders found it in the Sabbath School room we were in last week. Turns out it must have fallen out of my bag in there somehow. I told you, things always show up. But let that be another lesson: if you are going to lose something, lose it in the church (see “This Man Receiveth Sinners” in Christ’s Object Lessons, the section about the lost piece of silver).

So this week’s study was dedicated to practical steps to determining God’s Will, especially in the area of choosing a major/profession. I am not wise enough, nor have enough life experience to share authoritatively on the matter. But I do have notes from a wise counselor that helped me think through this process, and which ultimately led me to law school, so I brought them along and we did a Bible study on it and spent some time in the SOP.

As I was preparing, I was reminded again why it is so important to mentor others in the church: through teaching them, God reminds us of lessons that we need to (re)learn. As I was flipping through the chapter “Lifework” in the book Education, I came across this quote that I have underlined, with notes scrawled on the side. The first part that caught my eye said, “Many a man whose talents are adapted for some other calling, is ambitious to enter a profession; and he who might have been successful as a farmer, an artisan, or a nurse, fills inadequately the position of a minister, a lawyer, or a physician” (emphasis added).

I sighed as I read that. I have been wondering a lot whether or not I was seeking a place that was beyond what God had intended for me in coming to law school, and the quote seemed to speak right towards that. But it was the part that was underlined that made me repent: “There are others, again, who might have filled a responsible calling, but who, for want of energy, application, or perseverance, content themselves with an easier place” Education, 267. Scribbled underneath I have written “summary of compenents need for success,” indicating that I had noticed elsewhere in the book that the elements that are necessary for success are energy, application and perseverance.

You see, while I was “successful” in high school and college, it didn’t take much work. I mean I worked, but it didn’t take a lot of perseverance or application to achieve my desired results. There were a couple challenging classes, but I would usually just be satisfied with what I could get in them rather than try to work hard for something better. I knew I had high enough grades in other areas to insulate me from one or two less then excellent grades.

But then I came to law school. And I have to work. Hard. Just to be average. And because I don’t have the same natural talent here that I did in college, it has often caused me to question whether this is where I’m supposed to be. But after reading the quotes, I realize, at heart, I’m lazy. I’d prefer the easy route. Maybe God called me to law school so that I would learn to use my energy not just to apply myself, but also to persevere. I think those are two things that I have lacked in my work ethic up until this point. If it wasn’t natural, I’d just drop it. He’s developing in me a better work ethic.

So I’m thankful for the student asking for help, because her questions have really caused me to evaluate my own life, the path that I’m going down, whether it’s the one God has intended for me, and if I am doing my part in cooperating with divine power.

With finals less than four weeks away, for God’s sake (Isaiah 43:7), I’m praying for energy. I’m praying for application. I’m praying for perseverance.

So help me, God.

I go on date after date (interview after interview), putting on my best clothes, showing my best smile, pulling out my smartest quips and quotes in hopes of charming the guy (firm) into another date (callback interview).

After the initial date (interview), I wait. And wait. And wait some more. I begin turning into one of those mad women who I said I would never become. You know, the ones who check their phone all the time, wondering, “did he call back yet?” “Does he really like me?” “Is he the one?”

Some are courteous enough to let you know it’s not going to happen. He (the firm) lets you know (by sending a short letter) that as great as you are, affirming all of your great qualities (qualifications), things just aren’t going to work out between you two (you’re not getting a callback interview). But it’s not you, it’s him (the firm). He just can’t have that kind of commitment in his life right now (we have no jobs left–at least that we want to give to you). But he hopes you the best, he knows there’s someone who’s right, just for you (keep looking, kid).

And then there are the others. Who don’t get in touch with you. They have the strongest potential to break your heart. Because they haven’t sent a letter, your hopes remain high–they haven’t shut the door of possibility yet. But, you remain anxious, wondering if they too will send a letter, or even worse. A short, abrupt email.

Sigh. As a young woman endeavoring to live a godly life, I determined that I would never get myself trapped into these types of dating relationships. And as far as actual dating goes, avoiding this type of useless drama has been successful. But as aloof as I try to keep myself from the drama of the job hunting process, I realize that in part, I am getting drawn in. Anxiety creeps up. What if I don’t get a job? Why did I decide to go to law school? Why did the economy tank? What am I going to do?

I cannot sit back and wait for a job to come looking for me (trust me, if this were possible, it would be my approach, and considering the lack of resumes that I have sent out over the last few weeks, maybe I’m taking a more “biblical” approach to dating, I mean job searching). But, just as with all other areas of my life, I can trust that God will direct this aspect of my life in His time to the place where He can use me to bring glory to His name.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?…And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? …do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:24-34. (A quick observation from a search on my blog. I realize that this is the passage I quote the most from Scripture. Maybe I should change the name of my blog to “Meditations on Matthew 6:33″ or “Matthew 6 in Practical Living.”)

So, while I know I must follow up with potential employers, explore new avenues of opportunity, I do not have to frantically walk straight to my mailbox after my last class every day, check my phone for missed calls every 10 minutes, or lament with my fellow 2Ls who are going through the same experiences I am. But I do need some accountability, because doing these things has become somewhat of a habit. Sad how there can be comfort in worry because it is something familiar. But I am going on a tangent I’d rather not at this moment. If you think of it, keep me in check, and if I seem to be worrying, remind me the theme of my blog (life) is “How I am Blessed by the Matthew 6 Experience.”

Rocket at the Kennedy Space Center near Orlando, Florida.

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the first landing on the moon, and those uttered words that we will always remember, “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  My mind goes back to a visit at the Kennedy Space Center, where they shared the clip from JFK’s speech that inspired the whole journey into outer space in the first place:

“But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.”  John F. Kennedy, “We choose to go to the Moon Speech,” September 12, 1962.

The moon.  It was a choice.  People rallied behind it.  It became the single aim of an entire sector of government research and development.  Those who believed in the goal made sacrifices to achieve it, including some who died in the process.  And they made it.  Seven years later, they made it to the surface of the moon.

To me, this illustrates one of my favorite quotes, one that I had to memorize in the fourth grade:

“Remember that you will never reach a higher standard than you yourself set. Then set your mark high, and step by step, even though it be by painful effort, by self-denial and sacrifice, ascend the whole length of the ladder of progress. Let nothing hinder you. Fate has not woven its meshes about any human being so firmly that he need remain helpless and in uncertainty. Opposing circumstances should create a firm determination to overcome them. The breaking down of one barrier will give greater ability and courage to go forward. Press with determination in the right direction, and circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances. Be ambitious, for the Master’s glory, to cultivate every grace of character. In every phase of your character building you are to please God. This you may do; for Enoch pleased Him though living in a degenerate age. And there are Enochs in this our day.”  Christ’s Object Lessons, p. 331-332.

As I sorted through photos, memory after memory came rushing back through my mind: full-time ministry, canvassing, graduating from college, painting the rock.  The photos stretched back over four years. And all I could think was, “where in the world has all of this time gone?”ti

This made me think of a conversation earlier this week where a friend told another friend that the reason we value time is because we were not made for time to run out, but rather for eternity, and yet our reality does not conform to our design (for now). The Bible says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart.” Ecclesiastes 3:11.

I can truly say that God has made so much in my life beautiful in His time, bringing me into friendships that I value more than anything else in this world. And that concept of eternity is definitely in my heart too. As the last grains quickly slip through the hourglass of this summer, I don’t want it to end.  I love being near to my family, and close to my friends. I cannot imagine this coming to an end.

What seems only a distant dream right now will be reality again when I soon return to Virginia to begin my second year of law school. And I’m tempted to be sad, dejected, depressed.

And yet, one of the verses that came up when our theme for ASC at UM was “Remember” (2005-2006) keeps coming back to mind:

“Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:18,19

Telling a historian not to remember seems a futile command. But I appreciate what the text says nonetheless. Yes, God has done incredible things in the past, and I am eternally grateful for those evidences of His kindness in my life. But  He is not finished yet.  He can create a new thing, out of apparent impossibility, something that will also be worth looking back over.

Yes, I will cherish my last two weeks in Michigan (just writing that ties my heart up in knots). But I won’t let the memory keep me from looking forward to see what new thing the Lord is brining. The best is yet to come.

I have spent a good part of my summer vacation from law school in the courtroom, not yet practicing as an attorney, but observing proceedings, hearings, and trials as an intern.  One of the trials I was able to observe involved a man who was accused of witness intimidation in another case against him the court.  He was trying to have the witness against him kidnapped so that she could not testify in court.  If she did testify, her eye witness account of what he had done to her would surely convince a jury, causing him to spend a significant portion of his life in jail.

Witnesses are key to proving your case in court.  And as I studied 1 John 1:1-4 last week, I see how important witnesses are even in the Great Controversy.  The book of 1 John was written in part to combat some of the things that were being said at the end of the first century about Jesus that were not correct, ideas of gnosticism and such.  John is establishing that he has the authority to speak, authority to say who Jesus really is because he has witnessed Him, he has experienced Him.

In this day, where people say that Jesus is a great teacher, a moral man, but not the Son of God, the importance for each child of God to have not just an intellectual knowledge of our Lord, but an experience of Him, so we can testify to who He really is.

In the reality that is the Great Controversy, God is on trial.  He is on trial for not being the loving God that Scripture declares Him to be.  The jury is still out for those who have not yet made a decision one way or another for Christ.  As much as Jesus is our lawyer (1 John 2:1), representing us in our judgment before Heaven, we serve as an advocate, a respresentative for God’s character on this earth.  Not just as representatives or lawyers defending Christ, but witnesses to what He has done personally in my life, and in yours.

People are misrepresenting the character of God to the eternal detriment of those who come in contact with the felonious argument.  Can He get a witness to who He really is?

I approached a friend to quickly pass an idea by him.  As I was talking, it appeared he was listening, but just when I really needed his feedback, he turned his head and responded to something someone else was saying, and laughed.  Then he turned back and looked at me.  The horrible feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach must have shown clearly on my face, because his complete countenance changed.  I could not believe it, he was not listening to me!  And he’d been listening to someone else!

We reconciled not long after that.  But this experience came back to mind as I was studying Psalm 116: 1-2:

I love the LORD, because He has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because He inclined His ear to me,
therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

Knowing that someone is listening changes the way that we interact with them.  How often as a teenager trying to get parental blessing on something we didn’t think they would approve of would we slide the request past them quickly, while they were not paying attention, hoping for that nominal “mm hmmm” and run out the door before they realize what they just granted permission for?

Not so with God.  He is listening.  Anytime, all the time.  He doesn’t just hear.  He inclines His ear.  And this simple characteristic is enough for the psalmist to love the Lord and keep coming back to tell what is going on in his life.

If you know someone is listening to you, it changes what you say, how you say it.  It changes your expectations of the person you are telling.

As I reflect on this portion of Scripture, I realize two things.  First, I take prayer much too casually.  God is not a parent we’re trying to sneak by to get away with what we want.  He cares.  My prayers should reflect the fact that God is not just hearing, He is listening.

Second, because I am created in God’s image, I need to master the art of listening.  According to Psalm 116, a person who listens is a person worth loving.  A loving and lovable Christian is the best argument for the gospel.  So the power of the gospel to transform me must include the power to make me a better listener, which in turn will make me more lovable.  An attribute ingrained in my very being.  Even when a friend is talking my ear off.  Even when I’m the one who really wants to say something.

So, I’m listening.